Co-dependency is a symptom formed by a person when they have suffered trauma in their life (Walker 2003). What must be understood is that one persons trauma can be experienced completely different compared to another. This means that some people will be more affected than others when it comes their experiences in their life. Nevertheless codependency can emerge from childhood experiences right down to what someone experiences in relationships throughout adulthood.

I have spoken about codependency in my content videos. As I say about most personality traits there is not always a one size fits all explanation that can pin down what a co-dependant is exactly like. This is because there are different extremes to codependency. Such as passive codependents and active codependents (Rosenberg 2021).

People pleasing is a specific characteristic of co-dependancy. The co-dependant as a people pleaser is a person that has a lack of boundaries, which causes one to succumb to most peoples demands and wants. For instance in relationships it takes on the form of a person going above and beyond to please their partner. These types of actions are a way of grasping on, holding on tight to their partner and the relationship. The co-dependants thought process wether they are conscious of it or not believes that by over compensating their partner will continue to love and remain with them. This is due to codependents operating out of a fear based mentality.

However, the co-dependant is not all selfless. They can also seek out someone to fulfil their own needs. In other words because co-dependants lack self worth, they look towards someone else to fill their void in the hopes that they will feel better.

Co-dependant relationships are often abusive and there is a reason behind this. A person growing up and witnessing volatile relationships or persistently being part of abusive relationships will become desensitised to these toxic environments and the anxiety once felt around them. Those that have endured these environments and dynamics will have began to internally normalise the feelings of anxiety and toxic environments. This is because they have become accustomed to it. These past events shape a persons perception of what they consider love to be.

Being accustomed to toxic dynamics actually affects how a person pursues a relationship (Pace 2018). They tend to grasp hold of people and involve themselves in dynamics that they have grown up witnessing or enduring. They pursue someone to repeat the same cycle with as it is all that they know. In any case people that have held on to trauma or have unresolved issues are far more likely to invite other people into their lives that are the same. If we are walking around broken we will attract broken back.

Everyone that has experienced trauma will have a different symptom produced in relation to their experience and down to them as a person. It really is a nature vs nurture kind of concept. Therefore this means not everyone that experiences trauma will have the personality trait of codependency. It is a well known fact that it is possible for a person that experiences abuse in childhood to become the abuser in adulthood (Hurd 2022). Childhood traumatic experiences can give birth to a number of personality disorders. For example Histrionic, avoidant and antisocial personality disorders (Nesenoff 2022). People may also suffer with extreme anger and control issues and even substance abuse issues.

Another explanation to how co-dependents end up in toxic relationships can be understood when we categorise the role people play in relationships. People can fall into particular categories when in a relationship dynamic. The givers and the takers (Sepala 2013). Co-dependants throw their all into a relationship at the expense of themselves and so they land in the category as the giver. However, people that have toxic traits like excessive control issues, bullies and narcissistic personality dissorders are takers. There actions are highly damaging to people involved with them.

Takers such as narcissists can be attracted to the givers because of their people pleasing traits, lack of boundaries and overcompensating behaviour as its easier to domineer.

The narcissists character and energy are completely different to a codependent. Therefore a co-dependant may be enticed and drawn to the narcissists upfront, extroverted, self assured and bold behaviour as it is completely different to how they feel about themselves (Lancer 2020). A co-dependant is looking for someone to essentially make them feel better or a saviour. A saviour from anything but the life they are living now and how they feel. This is why narcissists and all their character traits or rather their false mask will look like the perfect candidate for the job.

Co-dependant people a lot of the time are people that overshare. They tend to give away too much information about themselves in the first sitting. This oversharing can be a catalyst of how someone ends up in a toxic relationship. This embodied with people pleasing and a lack of boundaries screams weakness to others. Just how sharks can smell blood, it is the same for those that have narcissistic tendencies or control issues. These types of people can immediately sniff this weakness out and be drawn to it. Narcissists are drawn or purposely look for people with low self esteem, being overly accommodating and people that take responsibility for everything (Wood n.d).

Oversharing about your past, traumatic events and relationships, especially in the presence of a narcissist paints a detailed picture of who you are as a person and what your willing to put up with. As much as narcissists emotions are processed differently; what is very much intact is their mental capacity of working someone out. By the time you have finished telling them your life story or secrets they will have worked out all your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Narcissists will do an amazing job at telling a co-dependant exactly what they want to hear because they are extremely charming. As a co-dependants attributes consist of neediness they are all too willing to accept and take in everything a narcissist has to say.

Takers feel comfortable in the presence of co-dependents because they can exercise a sense of power over the them as co-dependants see and process things differently compared to how other people would. This is because what one person would see as controlling or manipulative the co-dependant can mistakenly look at it as an act of love or caring behaviour. Co-dependants have habits of mistaking gestures of romance for actual love (Lancer 2020) . This is because co-dependants are indeed needy people who lack self worth. Takers feel comfortable because when a person lacks self worth because they doubt themselves a lot more. A co-dependant would rather question their gut instincts and ignore red flags than call out someone being abusive to them. When the relationship does end co-dependants will often find themselves further traumatised and damaged. This is because takers like to blame the giver for not being enough or giving enough (Spano 2015). This causes the codependent to shoulder the blame of the breakup and the taker to escape without being held accountable for their part they played in the relationship. This then only creates more self esteem and self worth issues for the co-dependant.

In my content work I have pointed out how co-dependants operate from their voids. The trauma endured has caused them to feel severely lacking in self worth. Many lose their sense of self and feel as feel as if they lack purpose in life. This lacking is the great big void they walk around with and operate from. Operating from a void causes co-dependants to being prone to attaching and investing in anyone that shows them attention. A co-dependant can be blinded by people like narcissists because they are excellent at mirroring people. Co-dependants are quite vulnerable people. The mirroring technique can cause a co-dependant to believe that this person has a lot in common with them or is just like them. Not so much because the co-dependant is naive but because the co-dependant looks at everything through rose tinted glasses when looking for a partner and searching for fulfilment. The actions of grasping on too quickly and seeing only the positive in others is a detrimental desperation that causes them to overlook red flags. I was listening to a podcast not so long ago and a profound statement was shared that really highlighted what is being said here. It said that basing your relationship off compatibility is not healthy because you can be compatible with anyone. Even demons know what you like.

Another way a codependent ends up in a toxic relationship is by going into project mode or what Martin (2018) refers to as the rescuer. For instance a codependent may come to understand that the taker has addiction issues or anger issues. They can then very well embark on a journey going above and beyond trying to fix this person. These types of actions or the role that they play gives a codependent purpose which is what they feel they lack in their life. By being a rescuer there is also a sense of feeling ‘good enough’. This is because on the surface the person with the problem looks to be struggling with life far more than them. Not only does this give the co-dependant purpose but they even feel slightly better than the other person. This is such an infantile way of thinking but the codependent does believe that by being slightly above the other person then they have control of the relationship and where its going. Knowing a person needs their help and placing themselves on the pedestal as their rescuer also allows for a co-dependant to feel the security they need in a relationship. Its a passive form of control as it is actually done with all good intentions. The co-dependent feels needed and therefore does not feel disposable. However, there is no great win here. It is easy for the co-dependant to be brought down with the other person and their problems due to the co-depandants lack of boundaries. Takers also will allow the giver to play the rescuer specifically because then they do not have to assume responsibility for what they say and do. By assuming the role of victim they will always have an excuse for their actions.

Co-dependants whilst in toxic relationships tend to have a long history of being cheated on (Jenner 2021). There are a number of reasons this happens. The first reason is that co-dependants are far too forgiving which coincides with their lack of self worth. This makes it far too easy for their partner to be tempted and to act upon temptation knowing their will be no repercussions. Secondly, when a person makes the relationship too easy, doesn’t stand their ground or even have much of an opinion in fear of losing their partner then the attractiveness wears off.
A person can also stop liking the qualities that once attracted them to this person. This is especially present in codependent relationships. It is what is called the ordeal stage (Lancer 2018). Eventually the over compensating leaves a distaste. Having no boundaries and being a push over eventually causes a person to lose interest and respect for that person because the relationship begins to lose stimulation.

Finally as much as we say that co-depndants are harmless loving people, we must not get sucked into sugar coating this damaging trait either. We must call it out for what it is and I say this with all good intentions. This is because as harmless as it is to others it is irrefutable damaging to the person suffering with it. They invite chaos into their lives in the hope of finding fulfilment and love. There is quite simply no such thing nor will there ever be until one has turned inwards and asked the right questions. Why do I continually put myself last in the hopes I will be loved? Why do I need to be liked? Why do I need someone to feel whole or give me purpose? And finally and most importantly who am I? Yes deep wounds have to be addressed but the thought of it is more scary to most than the act of doing it. Shouldn’t you care enough for yourself to heal and have a better life, to actually thrive instead of relying on others for your happiness? The answer should always be a resounding yes. However, in order to reach this milestone most have to succumb to toxic relationships and encounters for their wakeup call to happen. Then and only then can you look back and shudder at how much you protected energy vampires and manipulative people. You will shudder at the thought of how many toxic people you welcomed into your life that held no accountability for their actions. Its an emotional journey, a lot of tears, anger, regret and shock horror moments. However, the realisation and consciousness of your actions are the empowering seasoning that kick starts a new you, a rebirth to living a purposeful life ignited by you. The rest will come to you as long as you operate from your own power and sense of self.